ACTing Mindfully

Mondays

2010-08-16T12:02:00.000+12:00

Do you think we could move Mondays to Tuesday? For some reason I used to really dread them, but now I am over them. I just always feel tired on Mondays. Tuesday is such an inoffensive day and no one seems to notice it so I don't think it would really mind. It would start to get some significant attention and Monday could then move out of the spotlight and feel a little more love. Following the same thinking I think I like Thursdays the best, its so great to feel like it is almost Friday. Oh and of course Thursday is also the handover day for the alternate weeks I get my children.

Life continues on. Calmer since I am back on the medication. I still feel like life passes me by and I am not fully engaged. Some of that is because there are lots of stressful things I am choosing to ignore. That could be a problem if they catch me on me, others can and will pass me by with no issues.

Unseen

2010-08-11T14:31:00.001+12:00

I walked out and thought for a time I could see no defense, and I thought for a while you were me, we were wrong, in our time, always down, out of line.

I relaxed from the days filled with bloodsport in vain, and returned with the knowledge that we're two the same, two in Hell, two set free, too alike, you to me.

And we watched everything pass us by in due course, always tied by a mutual feeling that lost, we were two, two in hell, two set free, known too well.

In the back of my mind, all I feel is mistrust, in the back of my mind, all I see is the dirt, segregation of thoughts, ideals turning to dust.

Where some houses once stood, stands a man with a gun, in some neighbourhood, a father hangs up his son, in the back of my mind.

Don't think I'd have stayed just for one more day, it seems so much like home, no room to go astray, don't think I could watch - with mindless, empty tasks, intake moving in, forced to walk a lonely path.

Pictures all around, of how good a life should be, a model for the rest, that bred insecurity, I walked a jagged line and then came back for more, it's always in my mind, an institution with no law.

I can see a thousand wills just bending in the night. And all the pretty faces painted grey to match the sky, from a distance seeing friends just washed up on the shore, a picture in my mind of what's to come before the storm.

In time, we don't belong in our own lifetime.

I can hear the voices lost in echoes as they build, new homes to hide the sadness that the search for more had killed, from a by road seeing friends just washed up on the shore. Picture in my mind of what's to come before the storm.

In time, we don't belong in our own lifetime.

I can feel an emptiness and see heads held in shame, trapped inside a legacy of everyone to blame. In the distance see myself just washed up on the shore, a picture in my mind of what will come before the storm.

In time, we don't belong to our own lifetime.

We won't crawl and never show our faces, we'll stand firm and never show the traces, of the fear we knew but always could disguise, of this sinking feeling hid behind our eyes.

Nothing seems real anymore. Even the flames from the fire seem to beckon to me, drawing me into some great past life buried somewhere deep in my subconscious, if only I could find the key..if only..if only. Ever since my illness, my condition, I've been trying to find some logical way of passing my time, of justifying a means to an end.

He desires love, in some special way against all perversion, fed with fruits of decay. He remembers, how the guilty have seen, all the pure but selfish, buried deep in his dreams.

He sees a vision in the sky, looking down on him, calling him by name, yeah he sees faces from yesterday, of what might have been, but the past must still remain.

He desires love, not some perfect affair, in hotels of steel and glass, just to cross on the stairs, but he can still see, all the angels in time, as his dreams of ecstasy, turned to nightmares of crime.

He sees a vision in the sky, looking down at him, how the past will remain, yeah he sees a vision in the sky, staring down at him, he'll always see the same.

Sure I'll see you down, you do for me I did for you, cure just takes you down, we're down for good that's understood.

Door slides open, Johnny laughs. A view from above sticks his head out of the window and dries his eyes. I remember a winter sometime ago, angular patterns formed deep in the ground, where someone once stood. White on black, white on white. Echoed voices bouncing off the buildings around.

A ramp to the trees and trees all around, I remember a tear, frozen white on white, I remember nothing. A grey saloon, Johnny sighs, winds down the window and stares at the road.

Some things never make sense, crouches shivering in the corner, blanket 'round your shoulder, hot then cold, cold then warm, pulse is racing, slowly racing - stopped. I remember nights listening to untill dawn, I remember nothing. Some things never make sense, a fear of stepping out,

Door slowly opens, Johnny sits on his bed, lays down and dies.

A wider alliance that leads to new roads beyond the limits, holding hands, jumping off walls into dark seclusion, cut off from the mainstream of most intimate yearnings, I left my heart somewhere on the other side, I left all desire for good.

Clinging to naked thought, impossible tactics worked out for impossible means. This is the final moment of respite. The final page in the book. A bitter challenge between old and new, with one last warning.

All lyrics (untitled) by Ian Curtis circa 1978 taken from "Touching From A Distance" by Deborah Curtis Published by Faber & Faber London 1995

Happiness Trap

2010-08-11T13:04:00.000+12:00

I have been feeling a little better this week. There are still some down periods and some anxious thoughts but it is a positive turnaround and I think it is due to the fact that I am trying something new. New therapist, new book, new blog.

Three new people joined by team in the last week and I met them all today in a meeting to introduce myself. They all report to one of my managers so I thought it would be nice to talk to them about my view of their role and what we are trying to achieve. It was nice to be confronted with such enthusiasm and a lack cynicism. I came out of the meeting feeling really quite good. I suppose I should make sure I spend more time with them in the next few weeks, it might be a good way to keep myself more 'up' at work.

So I started reading the Happiness Trap book. The foreword is written by Stephen Hayes, the originator of ACT and as you would expect he is complementary towards the book, though its a nice touch to say that he leaves us 'in excellent hands". The introduction, entitled "I just want to be Happy", gives a quick history of ACT and then asks a few questions: Is Happiness Normal?, Whis is it Difficult to be Happy?, What exactly is "Happiness"? and then explains The Journey Ahead. They are good questions to ask and certainly left me wanting to know more.

At this stage I am going to put my trust in hoping that the book is correct and the approach will give me some positive outcomes, so forgive me if I put my doubts to one side for a while and immerse myself in the therapy recommended. I am sure I will have plenty of time in the future to doubt myself and the approach.

The first chapter of the book was a revelation to me in that it highlighted a significant reason for my issues. Control. The author highlights four myths that are prevalent in our culture and may have a negative influence on individuals. He questions whether happiness is really our natural state. Oh? I always assumed it was.
Therefore if we are not happy we feel defective. No shit! Then the $64,000 point! We therefore mistakenly think to get a better life we need to remove these negative feelings. And its a myth that we think be in complete control of what we think and feel.

This lack of control or perception that we should be able to control our thoughts and feelings is certainly an issue for me. I admit I am a bit of a control freak. Not to the extent that everything needs to go my way or I have an issue if people don't involve me, but I certainly like to be in control of my own destiny at a personal level and get very nervous and anxious when something that affects me is out of my control.

So the author's point resonates with me.

Talking of Control, it reminds me of the very moving film, called the same, about the short life of, Ian Curtis, the lead singer of Joy Division who committed suicide at the age of 23. VERY sad, but uplifting too, in a bizarre way. Beautiful, harrowing music that had a significant influence on Northern English, British, European and World music. Control, the Movie
I cried during this wonderful movie. Depressing. :p

Excited

2010-08-09T18:35:00.000+12:00

I got home today and my book had arrived. I am so impressed with the guys at TheBookDepository.co.uk they always get books to me so fast. Its amazing that they can get them from the UK to New Zealand so fast and they are so much cheaper than buying the books in NZ. How do they do it?

I read the first chapter of The Happiness Trap last week on the author's web page and I have been looking forward to this special delivery ever since.

Apparently the book will:

reduce stress and worry
rise above fear, doubt and insecurity
handle painful thoughts and feelings more effectively
break self-defeating habits
improve performance and find fulfilment in your work
build more satisfying relationships
create a richer and more meaningful life
cure all known ills

The last one is mine of course, does the book sound too good to be true? I'll give regular updates.

Discovery and Recovery

2010-08-09T17:32:00.001+12:00

Post One. I have discovered and read a number of blogs in the last ten days that have inspired me. They could have even been about me since some of the recollections were so similar. And reading from one to the other there were repeating patterns. What occurred to me was that they all found some therapeutic value in writing and sharing their feelings, emotions and experiences in their blogs.

So why not me? I should try.

Immediately a Yoda quote springs to mind: "No. Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."

Last week I met with a new Psychologist, Ben and he seemed good. I gave him a quick summary of where I was and the issues I had. He has recommended we use an ACT approach to my recovery. I agreed, knowing absolutely nothing about what he was talking about but agreeing to give it a go. I had read about CBT and he explained it was an offshoot of that approach.

So I went on a voyage of discovery to find out more about ACT and low and behold it looks great. The interesting thing for me is that it lines up very well with my own (poor) attempt at self discovery and recovery; namely mindfulness. So is that an incredibly large coincidence or a subconscious act of pure inspiration?

No excuses now. Do or do not.